MINISTRY Mainman's Christmas Poem

MINISTRY mainman Al "Alien" Jourgensen has penned a special Christmas poem entitled "T'was The Night Before Impeachment". It goes like this:

T'was 2007 and all through the year
Not a creature was buying this climate of fear
The stockings were hung in a foreclosure scare
In hopes that the Banks would forget we were there!
The soldiers were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of extended tours messed with their heads
And Dick and Lynn Cheney with shotguns in lap
Had just pardoned Scooter for shutting his yap
When down at the White House there arose such a clatter
I sprang out the door to see what was the matter!
Away to the protest I flew like a flash
I marched for a while and got tazed in the clash
Then soon I was arrested – for what I don't know
But the ACLU said that “This just won't go!”
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a miniature Cheney and eight dead reindeer
With his pacemaker pumping, so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it must be St. Dick!
Faster than subpoenas, his minions they came
He waterboarded and tortured and called them by name:
“Now Halliburton! Now Exxon! Now Conoco! Now Shell!
On Blackwater! On Bechtel! – Let's all go to Hell!”
To the top of the West Wing, to the top of The Wall
"Now stash away! Stash away! Stash way All!"
As voters are wondering why their vote doesn't fly
Here comes Karl Rove and he'll tell you why
So up to the White House the CEOs flew
With a sleighful of cash and Dick Cheney too!
And then, in a twinkling I heard on the roof
Was the hemming and hawing of the ultimate Goof (heh heh heh heh)
I raised just one finger and jumped all around
Coz there on the roof Ol "Dubya" came round
He was dressed all in fur that Cheney had killed
He looked rather dapper on the taxpayers' bill
A bundle of cash he had flung on his back
Looked happy as Cheney right before an attack
His eyes — how they twinkled, but his manners were weary
Coz Alberto Gonzales has so much to bury!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer
Like all of those press conferences he holds so dear
The stump of a crack pipe he held in his teeth
He said: "Laura, I'm sorry! I've relapsed — I'm weak!"
And his friend had a Wide Stance and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed in a toilet so smelly
Dim-witted and dumb a right jolly old elf
And I laughed when I saw him, giving way my own stealth
A wink of his eye and a snap of his finger
Soon gave me to know I shouldn't loiter or linger
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
Put the cash in his stockings, then turned with a jerk
And laying his finger aside of his nose
Thumbs up! And a nod for the coke that he chose
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle
"And away to Iran like a nuclear missile!'
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight:
"Happy Christmas to no one — Impeachment's not right!"

The North American leg of MINISTRY's "C U LaTouR" — which also features special guests MESHUGGAH and opening act HEMLOCK — will kick off on March 26 in Calgary, Alberta. The "C U LaTouR" touring line-up features Jourgensen alongside guitarists Tommy Victor (PRONG) and Sin Quirin (REVOLTING COCKS),keyboardist John Bechdel (PRONG, ASCENSION OF THE WATCHERS, FALSE ICONS),and drummer Jimmy DeGrasso (ex-MEGADETH, SUICIDAL TENDENCIES, ALICE COOPER). STATIC X's Tony Campos has recently stepped in to fulfill bass on behalf of the recently departed MINISTRY/KILLING JOKE bassist Paul Raven. Joining the MINISTRY clan as Special Featured Artist will be FEAR FACTORY/ASCENSION OF THE WATCHERS vocalist Burton C. Bell.

To coincide with "C U LaTouR", Jourgensen's indie imprint is scheduled to release MINISTRY & CO-CONSPIRATORS "Cover Up", a 12-track covers release featuring artists from the 13th Planet Records family, as well as other special guests. "Cover Up" is scheduled for a late March/early April 2008 release.

For its spectacular two-and-a-half-hour "C U LaTouR" set, MINISTRY will perform tracks from "The Last Sucker" as well as songs that revisit the band's rich and provocative 30-year musical history. Archival MINISTRY videos plus other visual elements of alchemy, Christianity, politics and other topics aligned with MINISTRY will be incorporated into a special video presentation, produced by "Wicked Lake" director Zach Passero (with whom Jourgensen is collaborating on the soundtrack for the feature film) that will change night to night. And, as is expected from a MINISTRY show, you just never know what surprise guests will jump on stage for a song or two.